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The Boys #53 Recap and Review: So remind me: who's FORCING Ennis to write this crap?

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  • The Boys #53 Recap and Review: So remind me: who's FORCING Ennis to write this crap?

    Our story opens with... oh, fuck it.

    Humper-de-doo, water into wine, humper-de-do.

    I'm not sure I can manage, folks. I feel like holing up in a closet with a bottle of tequila. I'm going to go find some internet porn and try to make myself happy. I'll be back in a while to try and slog my way through this.

  • #2
    It felt like what Ennis really wanted to write was a new Battlefields miniseries.

    Huh... I liked the cover

    Comment


    • #3
      HOURS LATER: the sobbing is over. The last beer is empty. I've downed enough Redbull and Vodka to fake my way through this. I can do it. I know I can. I can recap this festering barrel of retarded idiocy. I am a PROFESSIONAL F'ING JOURNALIST, for the love of... I mean, I do this for a living, ya know? Wait, you probably don't. It is, however, true. I make a good, if somewhat disreputable living based on my ability to sling words around a word-processor. I can make it through one damn comic-book recap.

      Our story begins as it must: with Ennis-Surrogate Winston Herbert Buffington-Mallory III re-telling the same moronic story that we've read six dozen times in the pages of The Boys: "Supes are idiots, people who like comic books are morons, and hey, here's some totally irrelevant and completely boring side-story that doesn't even remotely further the main plot". Now, I get that Ennis prefers to write "True War Stories" or whatever the hell it is that he's writing when he's not describing baby-rape in loving detail in books like Crossed. That's fine. But I guess I missed the part where anyone was forcing him to work on books like The Boys, if he hates the genre so much. You know what *I* hate? Tales of teenaged supernatural romance. That's why I've never bothered to try and make a living in that particular genre of literature. I don't even bother writing snarky fan-fic about it.

      But about The Boys #53. It's basically one long, extended turd, shat directly out of Ennis's Id. It reads exactly as if the five or so of us who frequent this forum all got a collective lobotomy, then drank a keg of rubbing-alcohol and tried to write a Boys parody by pooping words on each other's foreheads. This comic is to enjoyment as rectal lesions are to... enjoyment. I'm honestly not sure I can describe it to you. But I'll try.

      Har-de-har. The supes assigned to Mallory's unit are idiots. How surprising. Despite having Generals, Congressmen, and the entire American Military in their back pocket, Vought can't manage to find trained soldiers to test V on, so they picked the most cartoonishly incompetent Tools they could find, and the sent them out to act like idiots.

      Now, it's not the bad writing that's pissing me off. It's that Ennis, a martha-focking Irishman, is trying to lecture ME on the proper way to honor the America Military. See, it bugs me that Ennis tries to turn the historical, real-life people who actually fought in WW2 into his own personal sockpuppets, all so he can masturbate furiously to the idea of being able to insult Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. Note to Ennis: you're not worthy to carry Stan Lee's hairpiece, you foul-minded Ginger weasel. It's great that you feel so SUPERIOR to the guys who built the industry which currently employs you, here's an idea: try writing something that's actually entertaining to read. I feel certain you can do it. I've seen you do it before. In this very Title, even.

      So there's that.

      Anyway, the Avenging Squad act like drooling morons, then the Germans attack, and of course the Supes all die in humiliating and silly ways, while the Heroic Soldiers (who are complete non-entities to Ennis, other than being yet another excuse for him to hurl insults at Marvel and DC) rush around dying. Then at the end, Mallory kills one of the Supes with a grenade, because Ennis can't conceive of a universe in which anyone isn't a cold-blooded murderer.

      Oh, and Hughie is shown a couple of times in Flash-Forwards, basically saying "Golly!" and "Gee Willikers!" All in all, it was Ennis cramming an issue of one of his War Comics that nobody buys down our throats. It's true that there was no bestiality in the issue, (on panel, anyway) so I guess it had that going for it. But other than that, it told us exactly zero. We heard this entire story before from The Legend. Ennis continues to hint about "big secrets", but I'm beginning to think that we're as likely to have a decent payoff to The Boys as we were to have a decent explanation for the Smoke Monster on "Lost". We know nothing about Mallory that we didn't know before. We actually know LESS about Vought than we previously did- I'd always assumed that they were at least moderately competent as far as Evil Corporations go. Now they're just Wile E. Coyote, endlessly opening up boxes of Acme Epic Fail.

      Comment


      • #4
        Can't really disagree with any of that. Of course, we knew it was going to be a disaster...

        That said, any german who reported flying men would probably have been hauled off by his CO to explain why he was drinking on duty - if not shot by the SS.

        Chris

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Chrisnuttall View Post
          Can't really disagree with any of that. Of course, we knew it was going to be a disaster...

          That said, any german who reported flying men would probably have been hauled off by his CO to explain why he was drinking on duty - if not shot by the SS.

          Chris
          Heh. True. Of course, in the hands of any other writer, a case could be made that the Germans, having originally developed V, instantly recognized what was happening. That could have led to a pretty cool story with a young Stormfront and the first Boys-Verse battle between Supes. Ennis could have still made the same point by having the Supes accidentally wipe out everyone on both sides, thus increasing the menace presented by Supes. But that might have been entertaining and interesting, two concepts that Ennis wants nothing to do with these days.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Kamakazi View Post
            Heh. True. Of course, in the hands of any other writer, a case could be made that the Germans, having originally developed V, instantly recognized what was happening. That could have led to a pretty cool story with a young Stormfront and the first Boys-Verse battle between Supes. Ennis could have still made the same point by having the Supes accidentally wipe out everyone on both sides, thus increasing the menace presented by Supes. But that might have been entertaining and interesting, two concepts that Ennis wants nothing to do with these days.
            Exactly. We could do much better!

            Chris

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Kamakazi View Post
              Heh. True. Of course, in the hands of any other writer, a case could be made that the Germans, having originally developed V, instantly recognized what was happening. That could have led to a pretty cool story with a young Stormfront and the first Boys-Verse battle between Supes. Ennis could have still made the same point by having the Supes accidentally wipe out everyone on both sides, thus increasing the menace presented by Supes. But that might have been entertaining and interesting, two concepts that Ennis wants nothing to do with these days.

              Well, everything about the issue that was has already been eloquently said by Kamakazi... And we are left with what could have been

              Avenging Squad could have been an attempt to address the manpower shortage the Allies were having at that point in the war...I was hoping that the story would have been that the WWII supes met with some initial success (even if it was just early on in the attack). I would have shown them get overconfident as a result of that early success, then lead the US forces into an ambush... By the time they realized the Germans were setting them up, it would have been too late.

              The way Ennis wrote this issue, the supes were basically just innocent casualties at the beginning of the Battle of the Bulge like the rest of the regular military...

              My scenario would have gone like:
              1. Avenging Squad wipes out an enemy patrol/small enemy unit (or maybe rescues some US troops who were pinned down by enemy forces)
              2. Soldier Boy is mortally wounded while rallying US troops in the assault.
              3. VAC convince Mallory to get the Compound V shot and wear the mask as a symbol... "Can't let the krauts know they killed the symbol of liberty!!"
              4. German commanders, recognizing the threat of V empowered soldiers, consolidates a special task force and dedicates their most battle-hardened divisions to wiping out the Avenging Squad...
              5. US troops feel like with the Avenging Squad on their side, they have a new secret weapon! (based on the initial success)
              6. The now overconfident Avenging Squad doesn't listen to Mallory, and launches into the next conflict in ways that expose themselves to heavy enemy fire. Early on in the battle the Germans fall back from the awesome onslaught of the Avenging Squad and cheering US troops.
              7. A random artillary shell knocks Mallory out of the action as he is warning people to "Keep under cover! Don't expose yourselves! etc."
              8. Mallory's troops (who all know he's now Soldier Boy) come to try to help Mallory when they see him fall.... Then, suddenly...
              9. The Germans spring the trap! They wipe out the Avenging Squad, and massacre the US troops with a massive assault. (Mallory survives, buried in the rubble, unconscious)

              In fact, the Germans are SO successful they continue to press their assault on other US forces... So, in reality it was the Avenging Squad who actually CAUSED the Battle of the Bulge!!
              *gasp*

              The powers in Washington and VAC try to cover up their blunder and rewrite history to make it appear the Germans simply caught Allied forces by surprise... But, Greg Mallory knows different... All those US lives were lost because of VAC and their supes... Mallory vows to take down VAC no matter how long it takes, and the US military sets up a "no supes in the military" policy (which has pretty much stayed the US policy until today).

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Hot_Ch0c0 View Post
                In fact, the Germans are SO successful they continue to press their assault on other US forces... So, in reality it was the Avenging Squad who actually CAUSED the Battle of the Bulge!!
                *gasp*
                The fact that you were able to come up with an idea a hundred times better than anything that actually appeared in the book pretty much underlines the current problem with The Boys. Ennis isn't even half-assing it at this point. He's like, fiftieth-assing it. Any time he even remotely approaches competence, like he did once or twice during "Proper Planning", we practically leap out of skins to praise him, in hopes that maybe he'll notice and stop f**king around, but it never seems to last.

                You know what the real difference was between your plot and the one Ennis crapped out? Yours was entertaining and intellectually engaging. And a lot more plausible. Ennis wants us to believe that the Germans saw a guy flying, immediately altered there entire marthafocking military strategy for what was to be their biggest offensive of WW2, and blindly attacked an unknown position. A position that they knew only ONE thing about: it was filled with flying men.

                Ennis is so desperate to portray the Supes as incompetent retards that he's completely missing the irony that HE'S the one acting like an incompetent retard. He can't be bothered with even a basic level of logic or storytelling, because it might get in the way of whatever hair he has up his ass regarding Marvel and DC. Sure, portray the supes as clueless/evil dorks who screw up everything they touch, but do it in a way that's interesting and entertaining.

                Comment


                • #9
                  It just dawned on me: There'll be hell to pay when Butcher finds out. He appreciates Hughie, and he suspects that Mallory is pulling the strings behind the curtains (pardon the half-assed analogy. Lack of good english, and lack of some proper sleep for the last few days).


                  Terror, drokk it!

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